Heavy guest, with Ozzy Osbourne !
6 août 2013 par vincent
Ozzy has come to Montpellier for a few days. He is staying at my grandmother’s and he’s enjoying his stay and is taking care of Granny, spending time with her. Granny has made some coffee and asks him if he wants some. He says yes and she asks him to heat it up in the microwave.“How do you program the time on this machine?” says Ozzy. “Damn, this is when I miss my staff as I’m not very gifted with these chores…! Fucking asshole microwave!” He takes his cell phone and calls his son Jack. “It’s me. I’m looking at this museum piece microwave and it’s driving me crazy: it tells the time and has a knob and I don’t know how to make this shit work… wait, I’ll try… Fucking hell, it works! Thanks Jack, » says Ozzy and hangs up.
He is amused by Granny and her chit-chat and souvenirs. He’s impressed by all she’s lived, including WWII. Ozzy smiles fascinated. “My life today is completely different from my life when I was young, when I was a lost soul in a poor neighborhood in Birmingham,” he says. “I grew up there and thanks to some stroke of luck I’m currently the fucking prince of darkness. I blew all my savings from all the money I made with the media, including MTV. The roadies are probably completely crazy and locked up. With me and my wife’s Ozzyfest, MTV had riots in the middle of LA! At the Ozzyfest young people always went berserk, then the evangelist demonstrators, MTV and the anti-riot police forces threw fucking teargas grenades in the middle of the concert. I’ve seen what hell looks like in that chaos,” he confides to granny.
Later Ozzy meets my mother to go to a locally funded opening exhibition of therapeutic art in a gallery in Aigues Mortes. My father lives there. On the drive there, my mom speeds like hell. “Jesus Christ! You’d come in handy at the Ozzfest! » says Ozzy. Ozzy gets his canvasses ready in the gallery with my mom’s efficient assistance. Back in Montpellier, after the visit, mom takes Ozzy for a massage in a spa called coté détente where the manager, Frédérique, contemplates the star’s tattooed arms, as well as the golden crucifixes around d his neck. “It’s the goddamn rock and roll style, dear madam, and I have to live up to my hellish reputation. I am the fucking prince of fucking darkness,” says Ozzy to her. At the end of the day he meets granny at the Dominican mass. The congregation shakes hands with him in a gesture of fraternity. “May the Peace of Christ, our Father, be with you, » they say while staring at Ozzy’s crucifixes, which amuses him very much. “Fucking amen, guys,” he responds.
The next day, Ozzy does the shopping for granny with Nadia. Ozzy stands out in the line and, because of all the golden crucifixes he wears on his neck, people ask him to which order he belongs. “I’m from the order of the death metal shock rock Brotherhood,” he replies ironically. “I’m on a mission: I need to replenish the community’s fridge. We already have the beers for the baptisms, and the drugs for Christian communion. It’s my chore this week and the brothers are fucking voracious.” Nadia is amused.
After helping granny go to bed, Ozzy meets mom in a splendid Opera House, for a classical concert. Ozzy intrigues the local nobility, with his golden crucifixes, rings, long hair with red strands… all dressed up in a smart black suit. In the lobby, the crucifixes become the center of gossip among the well-heeled attendees who approach the rock star. “Good evening, my father, what do you think about this masterful symphony?” one of them asks. “We death metal priests pray for more aggressive praises, » he responds. « On top of that nobody has offered us any booze and we get death threats from fundamentalists. In our church we get the local pub owners’ complaints about their losses. So, yes, here I just get some distraction. I can get away from your chastity vows which are hell.” All the people present just disappear. Marie France meets my mother who introduces her to Ozzy. “I have a very complex spirituality, it’s true. But I am the death metal priest from Birmingham, England! I’ve founded my purifying church at the Ozzfest, in the US. It’s a fucking gathering of young people and metal artists. This concert tonight is fucking slow. Don’t forget that I am Ozzy fucking Osbourne, the goddamn prince of the fucking darkness. The orchestra needs higher voltage.” The bell rings announcing the continuation of the concert. “Well, they’re not going to croak from a heart attack! Only that fucking conductor seems to be on amphetamines. I hope the violinists are not going to gp paranoiac and crazy because of this hysterical, sadistic and neurotic conductor,” says Ozzy to mom. On their way to their seats some young fans, present in the room, cheer Ozzy. « Fucking rock and roll, kids, and don’t jump off your balconies because of this fucking strident music with its paranoiac conductor, » says Ozzy, making the sign of shock rock.
The next morning, Ozzy goes for a walk on the Esplanade with granny, to get her out a bit. While she’s admiring the flowers, a couple of Jehovah Witnesses approach to preach the word of the Lord. “Piss off, fucking sectarian assholes,” says Ozzy while protecting granny. “Hélène and I do not intend to commit suicide in the woods so that your fucking guru can piss off to the Bahamas to chill out his burned balls with your savings. Hélène has already kicked worse lechers than you. As for me, I seriously doubt the sincerity and charity of your sect.” “God has told me to send the dove of the Holy Ghost to watch over you,” replies one of the witnesses. “Yeah, I know, it was depressed and paranoiac to the point of going on strike, so I chewed off its head during a press conference before spitting out the leftovers on a young woman’s lap. She went nuts and locked herself up at home completely berserk. I did it again with a bat during the disco years at a concert.” The Jehovah Witnesses stare at him stupefied. “I am the fucking prince of darkness, from Birmingham, as well as the Godfather of American shock rock!” continues Ozzy. The Jehovah Witnesses, petrified, flee praying. Ozzy takes granny to buy some magazines with cross-word-puzzles and asks her if she’s ok. “Not taking into account what is not working and keeping what is just ugly, it could be worse,” she responds.
Ozzy, granny and mom go to the gallery in Grande Motte. Dad meets them there. “The tourists are ok, but I just found out that here bullfighting is the holy cultural and identity Bible. I just don’t see how it is fun to let the bulls skewer you balls,” says Ozzy to dad. Ozzy looks at the gallery visitors and goes over to them to explain his art. The evening goes really well and Ozzy seems to be walking on air. He makes sure that granny is ok, who in turn shares some memories with him. “I was born with one eye practically closed and I’ve suffered a lot,” she tells him. “Often during a falling out they would tell me little eye, shut up. Especially at boarding school, both students and teachers repeatedly let me know that I was ugly with my half-closed eye. I was really happy when I got my operation at 13 and a half. Since my early childhood I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. At 18 my dad died unexpectedly of a major embolism. That marked me for life.”
Ozzy steps out for fresh air for 5 minutes when a hippy woman stares at the crucifixes around the rock star’s neck. “Please Father, bless my child! Give it the gift of Faith in Christ, please,” she asks him. « That won’t be possible, I’m not a priest, Ma’m,” he responds. “I only know Our Father and Hail Marie, sorry. » The woman touches the crucifix. “Yes you are a priest; you have all these crucifixes on you. You’ve been sent by God,” she repeats over and over. In the end, Ozzy accepts and they go to the public water fountain, he tries to open the faucet. “Fucking asshole of a stupid faucet. How does this shit work? Lord Christ, why have you listened to Black Sabbath?” The child wanders off. “Stay put, damn it. I’m trying to make this Apocalyptic thingamajig work!” The faucet starts working and Ozzy blesses the child in his own way. “May the Christ protect these social mutts and love you. And don’t forget about having a rock ‘n’ roll attitude.” He wets the child’s forehead. “God bless you of these fucking assholes, don’t let the system get you and come to the Ozzfest when you grow up so I can find out whether you’re thriving in life,” he ends. The hippy thanks him and assures him that she will pray for him. Ozzy goes back to the gallery. “Does anybody feel like getting purified? I’m fucking John the Baptist of the Jordan, Galilee. I’m waiting to see if I can change water into wine, » he says ironically.
Later he invites granny to the restaurant with mom, my dad discretely invites himself too. Euphoria is in the air. On the way back, he helps granny go to bed. “After my first year of studies things became economically difficult, so I dropped out and went o work at the children’s sanatorium,” she explains to Ozzy. “The kids were aged 6 to 15. After that I worked for a few years at a clinic and then I was able to go back to school. I got my Diploma of Basic Education, Which was one of my greatest joys in life. After two years in Purpan, I left for Morocco in order to get married. I had three kids and then I came back to France because my very dear husband basically threw me out with my three children. I had to get by on my own and life has had its ups and downs ever since.”
The next day he wishes her a happy birthday and offers her one of his best framed drawings. Granny hugs him and asks him to hang it up on the wall over her bed. Ozzy does it while she keeps talking to him. “I live next to a classified chapel. One early morning, while I was walking my dog Olaf, I saw three Northern Africans who were about to graffiti the chapel’s door. I was so mad but screaming would have been useless. So I approached them and asked them: ‘please, where is the Mosque?’ One of them asked me: ‘Why do you want to know?’ I smiled at them and said: ‘Well, that’s very simple. As you have the kindness to decorate the door of this chapel, I think that the least I can do to is, in turn, to redecorate the door of your mosque’. They became silent and left very quickly. One morning, my doorbell rang. ‘Open, police!’ Very carefully I asked them why I should open the door, could they please slide their IDs under the door while I was getting my glasses. Very quickly I called the police who confirmed they hadn’t sent anybody. One of cops asked me: ‘And what do these ID cards look like?’ I replied: ‘more authentic looking than yours’. I kept the cards and the phony cops cut and ran. One night at 3 am, the phone rang and I answered very worried. A sweet voice told me: ‘Madame Blénet, I want to make love to you.’ No need to say how furious I was! If I had angrily grumbled anything he would have been so happy, so I said with the nicest voice I could: “Are you flexible?’ Thinking he’d gotten a ticket he said happily: ‘Oh, yes, ma’m’. ‘Well then bent over and suck it yourself…’ I know it wasn’t very elegant but it was efficient because he went ‘Oh’ and he hung up. Ozzy smiles at her.
Just before the meal Ozzy paniks because he has forgotten how the microwave works. “Fucking hell, why did God allow this infernal machine on the marked? Is it a punishment for my excesses and sulfurous scandals?” he asks. No reaction from the machine. “FUCK! How does this shit work? Even Christ would feel like beating this shit to pieces,” he adds. He decides to call his son Jack again. “Jack, well I’m trying to make this shitty microwave work again. These fucking assholes of testers should stop sticking these High Quality stickers on these stupid machines.” He follows his son’s instructions but something goes wrong and the microwave starts smoking. “I’m burning this apartment. The neighbors are going to bring a fucking exorcist. Wait, Jack, hold on.” Ozzy puts the phone on the table, unplugs the microwave and throws it out of the window on the last floor. The machine crashes in flames amidst passers-by. Ozzy makes the sign of shock rock. “Rock and Roll, fucking assholes! Ozzy fucking Osbourne is making dinner” he screams at them. He takes the phone back. “Ok, Jack, thanks, I solved the problem. See you.”
Ozzy invites granny out to a nice restaurant where the waiters are patient with granny’s hearing difficulties.“What do you expect? A tip?” Ozzy says. “You’re fucked, man. I have a family to feed and they’re fucking ravenous, but be nice to Hélène.” Ozzy compensates granny for her microwave. He offers her an affectionate letter with compliments and congratulations. Ozzy and granny make a toast to Ozzy’s vacation.